What It's Like
by Calliope6
Summary: Gon’s seemed a little off-beat lately, and Killua’s concerned. Gon finally comes clean about what’s been worrying him - and finds out he’s not exactly alone in his thoughts. (gonXkillua shounen-ai)


What It's Like  
  
-a Hunter X Hunter fan fiction by Calliope-  
  
Message: I feel some sort of need to apologize for this one - it's not on par with other works I've  
  
done. It's just a quick, random, pointless, badly edited, squeefully-lame, little story. But it's still  
  
kinda cute. ^__^  
  
Summery: Gon's been seeming a little off-beat lately, and Killua's been concerned. Gon finally  
  
comes clean about what's been worrying him - and finds out he's not exactly alone in his  
  
thoughts.  
  
Warning: GonXKillua shounen-ai  
  
******  
  
  
  
"Hey Killua?" I heard him whisper quietly to me.  
  
"Yeah?" I muttered back, blinking my eyes open as I pushed down my blankets and  
  
turning my head in the direction of his voice.  
  
"What's it like?" he continued to whisper.   
  
"Hmm? What's what like?" I asked, half yawning.  
  
"Killing people, what's it like?"  
  
I just laid there a moment.   
  
You know - he always talks about the strangest things before he falls asleep.   
  
He's so blunt - but he'd always been blunt - so I suppose I should have been used to it by  
  
now. What kind of question was that anyway? He's never afraid to ask what's on his mind. It  
  
never occurs to him that it may be awkward, or uncomfortable; he just asks anyway.   
  
"Why's it matter?" I asked, rolling over on my side as my eyes continued to adjust to the  
  
darkness. I stared at his heavily shadowed, figure, laying next to me on the floor as I waited for  
  
him to speak again.  
  
"Just curious, I guess." Gon smiled a little, as he stared up at the ceiling; his passive tone  
  
making it seem as though the question were really no more important then the raindrops  
  
streaming down the window outside.   
  
"I don't know," I shrugged, propping my head up with my hand, "it's not exactly  
  
something I ever thought about. I mean - it's not like I've ever killed someone just for the fun of  
  
it."  
  
"Yeah." he nodded, turning his half closed eyes towards me.   
  
We were both tiered, after spending all day training in the rain - and it was obvious he was  
  
just talking to keep himself awake. He'd seemed a little uneasy all day, as if he'd been thinking  
  
too much again - that is, I mean, it'd seemed as though he had too much on his mind.  
  
"Why don't you just go to sleep. It's late." I pointed out, as I watched his eyes blink  
  
heavily.   
  
"I know," he agreed, "but, I'm not tiered."  
  
"Lier -"  
  
We laid there quietly for a while, and the heavy pattering sounds of the rain outside,  
  
beating against the roof, were more then enough to keep anyone awake. After a while I'd thought  
  
he'd finally fallen asleep, but he blink a few times and turned his wide, bright, eyes back up to me  
  
again and smirked.  
  
"What - ?" I asked, lowering my eyebrows a little; as I wondered just what that stupid  
  
little grin was about.   
  
"Ah, nothin'." he shook his head as he sat up, then kicked back his blankets and got to his  
  
feet.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
He just shrugged and rolled his shoulders; the cracking sound from his joints dulled by the  
  
sounds of the storm outside.   
  
"Whatever - I'm going to bed." I shook my head, and flopped back down, pulling my  
  
covers up over myself.  
  
"Aww, come on Killua," I could hear him smiled, nudging me in the side with his foot,  
  
"I'm hungry, lets go get something to eat."  
  
"It's the middle of the night you idiot. Go to bed." I groaned, wrapping myself up tighter  
  
inside my warm covers.  
  
"Killuaaaaa -" he whined childishly, flopping down on my futon.  
  
"Go - to - sleep." I groaned back, from under my blanket.  
  
"Oh come on! Get up, get up, get up!" he said, grabbing me by my shoulder and shaking  
  
me.  
  
It takes less then a second for Gon to get his energy back, and once he's up - he's up.  
  
"Go by yourself." I told him, as I rolled over again, trying to ignore him, "It's cold and  
  
wet, and so am I. I'm going to sleep."  
  
"Killua, come on," he urged me, "you're awake, just get up and come with me."  
  
"No way."  
  
"Come on!" he whined again, startling the hell out of me as he jumped on me, and pulled  
  
back my covers.  
  
"Hey! Cut it out!" I pulled back on the blanket, trying to roll over underneath his weight. I  
  
sat up, pulling back against him, knowing full well he was probably stronger then me; but all of a  
  
sudden he let go, sending me sprawling back against the futon.   
  
"Hehehe! I win, get up!" Gon laughed.  
  
"You suck." I pouted, crossing my arms across my chest. He just laughed, straddling my  
  
waist, and smirking at me.  
  
"Come on, get up." he smiled down at me, as I tried to look irritated.   
  
He knows full well he's too cute to REALLY get mad at. He's so stubborn.   
  
Why can't I ever say no to him?  
  
"Alright! Alright! Get off of me then!"  
  
"Yes!" he shouted in victory, jumping to his feet, and holding out his hand. I grabbed a  
  
hold of his wrist and he hauled me to my feet, stepping off my warm soft bed and onto the cold,  
  
hard, wooden floor.  
  
"Agg, fuck, it's cold." I groaned, hugging myself, and lifting my feet off the floor one at a  
  
time.  
  
"Hehe, what'd you mean? It's nice!" Gon laughed, yawning as he stretching his arms out  
  
over his head, causing his short, gray, tank-top, to lift up and expose his stomach.  
  
"You're a freak." I shook my head, as I bent down to pick up my sweater off of the floor.  
  
"Damn it, it's still wet." I groaned, rolling my eyes, as I threw it back down with an aggravated  
  
groan.  
  
"Well here then, I have an extra one." Gon beamed, bounding over to his backpack and  
  
pulling out a fresh, clean, sweater. He threw it to me and I pulled it, quickly, over my white-  
  
lavender hair and hugged it tight against myself as I shivered.  
  
"Sissy." he snickered, as he turned the door handle slowly, and pulled it open with a subtle  
  
little squeek.  
  
"Meh -" I scoffed, sticking my hands deep into the front pocket as I fallowed him out.  
  
His sweater was warm and fuzzy, and it had the same, distinct, inviting, smell, as he did.  
  
Odd - I thought for a moment - as I noticed that I knew what he smelled like. But just pulled the  
  
hood up over my head and sighed deeply as I fallowed him down the stairs to the kitchen.  
  
  
  
"You want anything?" he asked me, as he started making himself a snack.  
  
"No," I groaned, as I sat down at the table, "I don't want food, I wanna sleep."  
  
"Aw, sorry, Killua," he smiled at me, as he pushed a loose strand of his hair, back out of  
  
his face, "you can go back to bed if you really want to."  
  
"Nah, I'm fine." I shrugged.  
  
Damn him - he's too nice - and like I'd ACTUALLY leave. Bah. Some times I wonder if  
  
he knows I'm just a sucker when it comes to him - and then he just takes advantage of it. No, not  
  
likely, I don't think Gon would even know HOW to take advantage of someone. I just, can't not  
  
be with him is all.  
  
I let my head thunk against the table and groaned at the thought of my own patheticness.  
  
"Something wrong?" I heard him ask, as I let my eyes fall closed.  
  
"No." I muttered quietly.  
  
And it must have been then that I drifted back off to sleep -  
  
"Killua? Killua?" I heard Gon whispering my name, and I felt his hand, lightly, running  
  
across the back of my head.  
  
"Mahhhh, I'm up, I'm up." I muttered, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. I yawned and  
  
stretched and took my time getting up. It was distinctly brighter, and I could hear that the rain had  
  
stopped.   
  
Gon had wandered over to the window as he waited, and was staring out into a gray, but  
  
clearing, sky; his chin rested in his hands as he leaned his elbows on the sill. I watched quietly, as  
  
his eyes fallowed the paths of water droplets, snaking their way down the glass.   
  
It was so silent then.   
  
A little smile played across his mouth and I wondered what he was thinking. I walked over  
  
and stood behind him a moment, staring down that the back of his neck. He didn't move, just  
  
continued staring, and I joined him in staring out the window mindlessly. I leaned against him  
  
then, my chest to his back, and let my chin rest on his shoulder.  
  
"It's nice out." he sighed, never moving away from me.  
  
"Uh huh." I agreed, in barely a whisper, as we looked out across the soaking wet  
  
landscape.  
  
I felt so warm and comfortable, leaning their against him, staring out at the cold, damp,  
  
sky outside. I couldn't even describe the way I felt - it wasn't like any other feeling I'd had before  
  
- there wasn't any words for it.  
  
Then, I heard him laugh a little under his breath, and felt it move in his shoulder, so I  
  
stepped back a little.  
  
"What?" I inquired, smiling a little myself at his, random, amusement.  
  
"Nothin' really." he shrugged, as he turned to face me, with that usual, Gon-like, smile on  
  
his face.  
  
"Ok -" I nodded.   
  
He was doing it again - making me wonder what was going on inside that, spike-haired,  
  
head of his.  
  
I could feel an uneasiness working up inside of me, as he stood their staring at the floor.  
  
The strange way he'd been acting the day before seemed to have returned, and I wasn't sure what  
  
I should do. He traced his bare foot around in a circle on the floor as I stood there - wondering.  
  
He drew an uneasy breath then - and turning his face back up to me, he grinned, widely,  
  
despite the tears that had started running down his cheeks, and laughed.  
  
"Gon -?" he was - laughing? Crying? "what's wrong?"  
  
"Killua - I," he started, but just turned his eyes to the floor again, as he wiped his arm  
  
across his face.  
  
I stepped towards him and he turned away a little. To say the least I was confused. I  
  
couldn't tell if he was happy or upset.  
  
"Gon, what's wrong?" I asked again.  
  
"Nothing -" he smiled again, "I just -" he shrugged without finishing.  
  
Why does he always have to go and do things like this? Do things that make me worry.  
  
I'm not the one who's good with feelings, he is, and if he's upset I just - don't know what to do.  
  
Gawd, it just kills me when he gets this way; not that he does very often, but still. I feel so useless  
  
at times like this.  
  
"Gon?" he looked up at me again, his eyes wet with tears, whether from happiness or  
  
sadness I couldn't tell, "Lets just go to bed ok? It's really late."  
  
He looked away again as he nodded, so I held out my hand out, in front of his downcast  
  
eyes. He just stared at my upturned palm a while. It's funny - for some reason, I always see blood  
  
on my hands - and yet, he still reached up and took my hand anyway.  
  
I pulled him - his each step, feeling heavy - as I led him back up the stairs.  
  
Shutting the door behind us, I turned back to him, as he sat down on his bed and hugged  
  
his knees. An uncharacteristic silence fell between us and I didn't know what to say. Just a little  
  
while ago, when he'd been ranting at me to get up, I'd thought his mood had passed, but - I was  
  
obviously wrong. Gon always tries so hard to cover it up if he's feeling badly, but, I suppose he  
  
just couldn't do it anymore.  
  
I walked across the room and kneeled in front of him, his gaze never turning upwards.   
  
"Gon?"  
  
"Yeah?" he responded, so quickly - snapping to attention - that it caught me off guard.   
  
"What's up? You're acting weird you know." I informed him, not knowing any better way  
  
to put it.  
  
"Am I?" he laughed, still not making eye contact, and trying to hide whatever it was with  
  
his usual childish grin.  
  
"Yeah, just a little." I told him. I leaned forward, wrapping my arms around his legs and  
  
resting my chin on his knees, looking up at him and forcing him to look back at me.  
  
"Gon?"  
  
"You'd - you'd never go anywhere, right Killua?" he blurt out all of a sudden, looking at  
  
me earnestly; his lower lip, unsteady, as though he'd meant to say more.  
  
"What? I'm not going anywhere." I pointed out, as I sat back again.  
  
He looked intensely concerned - even more so then usual.  
  
"No, no," he shook his head, "I mean, you, wouldn't just -" he kept just trailing off before  
  
his sentences ended.  
  
"Just, what?"  
  
"Just - leave." he muttered, crossing his legs be neither himself and staring back down at  
  
the floor again.  
  
"Leave? What are you talking about?" I couldn't help but laugh, "You're being ridiculous  
  
you know that?"  
  
He nodded, smiling weakly.  
  
That forced smile of his just kills me. There's nothing more painful then that.  
  
"What's this all about - all of a sudden?" I asked, not certain what he'd say.  
  
"Nothing really." he shook his head, "It's just -" he finally turned his eyes back up to me,  
  
and I could see his worry and concern as plain as day. "It's just, when I was watching you,  
  
sleeping, downstairs - I kept thinking to myself - how much I'd hate it if - if you weren't there."  
  
I just - stared. I couldn't understand why - why he was so worried.  
  
"But," he went on, laughing, "that probably just sounds totally weird!" he snickered as he  
  
scratched at the back of his neck.  
  
"No!" I shook my head, startling him and catching him off guard as I realized I'd shouted.  
  
"That is - I mean - it doesn't sound weird at all." It was my turn to feel stupid then, as I felt my  
  
face flush.  
  
"You think?" he smiled, genuinely, as if my outburst had set him more at ease.  
  
"Yeah -" I nodded, "I mean, I don't wanna leave, EVER, if I don't have to." I flopped  
  
back onto my bed, folding my arms behind my head and trying to look casual.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Well of course!" I regretted the irritated tone of my voice right then - but he just laughed.  
  
"I still think about - sometimes - when you disappeared, right after the Hunter Exam." he  
  
began, quietly.  
  
I hated thinking about that, about that day, about how horribly wrong everything had  
  
gone. How much the thought of - of my brother, threatening him - about how - about what I'd  
  
done - how I'd - I'd just - left. I couldn't help it - I couldn't - really.   
  
Gawd - those memories suck.  
  
"I remember how I kept telling myself," he went on, "telling myself, that I'd see you again  
  
no matter what. But, you know, there was still this little part of me," his voice feel into a whisper,  
  
as his fingers clung to the front of his shirt, "that actually thought I might not, and - it was  
  
horrible."  
  
He sounded so ashamed of himself then. But it was like Gon to feel guilty - about anything  
  
- self-doubt being high on that list.   
  
"And you know what?" he started again, "When I finally did find you - I don't think I even  
  
told you - how happy I REALLY was to see you again."  
  
"What - that's it?" I said, nonchalantly, sitting up again, "Come on," I went on, "you went  
  
through a lot of trouble - I know how you felt - at least, I know how I felt, so - I think it's the  
  
same - I guess."   
  
"Probably." he nodded.  
  
  
  
"---" Uneasy silence.  
  
He shuffled uneasily as he sat, and I swear I could feel myself blushing in the darkness -  
  
but what for, I didn't know. We'd been threw a lot together, I guess, I just never stopped to think  
  
that, after we were together again, we'd ever be apart. I suppose, his uneasiness wasn't  
  
completely unjustified - after all - this couldn't last forever. Right?  
  
"I don't wanna leave -" I muttered under my breath, as I drew my blankets up around  
  
myself, thinking bitterly of the idea. And all of a sudden - I knew why he'd been so strange all day  
  
- it was horrible to think about. Not - being with Gon? I just - didn't want that.  
  
"Then don't. Not ever!" he told me loudly. I jumped, startled, at his response - not even  
  
having realized I'd said, what I was thinking, aloud.  
  
"I -" I went to say something - what I didn't know - but it didn't matter, I didn't have time  
  
to speak. He threw himself at me before I could finish, grabbing me around the shoulders, hugging  
  
me tightly as his momentum pushed us both backwards.  
  
"Killua -" he sniffled, hugging me, still tighter, as he lay on top of me. I was thrown off at  
  
first, not having expected him to jump me like that - and he began to cry into my shoulder.  
  
I didn't stop him - I didn't want to - but, I didn't move either. I wanted to do something,  
  
hug him, tell him it was ok, something, but - I didn't know how.   
  
I can't remember many times that I've wanted to cry. I can put up with almost any kind of  
  
pain and it never affected me; people used to inflict pain on me every day of my life - but, this was  
  
different. It was painful to hear him cry. Gon had always been a strong person - stronger then me.  
  
He never gives up on things - or people - he believes in. So then, it was hard - but, he was crying -  
  
over, me.  
  
And then I wanted to cry too, because - I couldn't do anything.  
  
He sat up again, pushing himself slowly up, as his heavy tears fell from his cheeks and  
  
onto my shirt. He wiped them away from his eyes as he sat back, straddling my legs, and looked  
  
down at me - trying to smile weakly.   
  
"Sorry Killua." he shook his head, "I, didn't mean to. I'm sorry." he looked away from me  
  
again, head hanging as though he were ashamed of himself. He put his weight down on his right  
  
arm and turned to get up.  
  
"Gon!" I called his name, and he stopped - this time it was me who caught him off guard.   
  
I'd reached up before he could leave, grabbing him and hugging him the way I should have  
  
been doing just the moment before. I held him as tightly as I could - pressing my face to his  
  
shoulder and trying to make him understand that - I didn't want this to end.  
  
"Shut up Gon," I started again, without thinking, "don't be sorry. Don't apologize.  
  
There's no point! I - I don't EVER want to be apart! NEVER!" I just started rambling, saying  
  
everything that was on my mind - and had been on my mind for so long now. "You're everything  
  
to me! You're my best friend, and I never want to loose you for ANYTHING!" I could feel tears  
  
welling up in my eyes, and I sniffled in vain to hold them back, as silence fell again.  
  
He didn't move - and it was so quiet that I could still hear my own words ringing in my  
  
ears. I wondered how much I'd pushed him away now - by sounding so pathetically desperate.  
  
My brain was telling me to let him go but - I couldn't.  
  
Gawd, every muscle in my body tensed when I felt his arms close around me. He pulled  
  
me just as tightly to himself as I did, him, to me. I could feel his fingers in my hair as he reached  
  
up and stroked the back of my head gently. Everything about the way he held me was so warm  
  
and inviting, and I finally felt myself relax.   
  
If I could have never moved again - I wouldn't have.  
  
"Killua?" he whispered quietly, as though his words would kill everything.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Lets never be apart - ok?" he suggested.  
  
"Never." I agreed, nodding.  
  
Slowly - nearly reluctantly - we let go of each other. Gon sat back again, still straddling  
  
my legs, and smiled; and I, couldn't help but smile back.  
  
He reached out, slowly, as he stared back at me with those, huge, brown eyes of his, and  
  
held his hand to my face - fingers entwining in the hair behind my ear. I couldn't help but lean  
  
towards the warm feeling of his palm; reaching my own hand up to his as my eyes closed.   
  
He was everything - the only thing in my life I cared about too much to let go of. He'd  
  
pulled me from my own little world of darkness and into his light. He saved me from myself; from  
  
what I could have been. There was no way to pay that back. No matter how much I cared about  
  
him, in my mind it was never enough. He trusted me and believed in me, when nobody else would.  
  
It wasn't just his nature, I knew - really - that he cared. Cared about me - no matter what.  
  
I reached out to him, wrapping my fingers around the back of his neck and pulled him  
  
toward me. We both leaned forward until our foreheads touched, smiling at one another as we  
  
laughed under our breath.  
  
"Sometimes I think we're both just crazy." I smiled at him.  
  
"Yeah, pretty much." he agreed, grinning back at me. I looked down at the floor and  
  
smiled, thinking to myself just how crazy it was - us, being the way we were.  
  
"Killua?"  
  
"Yeah?" I looked back up -  
  
There was no explanation - no chance to react - just the short, nearly involuntary,  
  
movement of his lips to mine. And my heart stopped.  
  
" --- "  
  
It was only a moment - just a second or two - before he pulled away, abruptly, sitting back  
  
and turning away. I could see the redness in his cheeks easily in the growing light of the morning.  
  
"Sorry -" he turned back to me again, grinning with embarrassment, "I, I don't know why,  
  
I just -"  
  
"Gon - I told you not to apologize." And I smiled, leaning forward, grabbing his chin in  
  
my fingers, and pressed his lips to mine again.  
  
It was his turn to have his heart stop.  
  
He didn't pull away this time; we just lingered - letting the tingles, running down our  
  
spines and throughout our bodies, settle and disappear.   
  
It wasn't a feeling like any other one - having Gon, so near to me. I just knew, right then,  
  
that there would be nothing - short of death - that could ever keep me away from him.  
  
******  
  
The End 


End file.
